The Rejects of 2013

Ever since I started this blog, I have ended each year with the usual lists featuring the best and worst movies to come out in the previous 12 months. However, I have also decided to end each year with a list of what I call “rejects.” In many ways, these posts act as an In Memoriam to the films that were ignored by audiences and critics alike in the preceding year. Every year has its fair share of failures, but the bloodshed came early and often in 2013, with a couple high-profile flops and several mid-level films that just never caught on. This year is a bit low on hidden gems, but it’s always interesting to look back at all the films that just didn’t work.

My aforementioned posts featuring the bests and the worsts will come later in the week. Also, let me know if there are any rejects you think I forgot. Enjoy!

Battle of the Year

Dir: Benson Lee

In 2007, director Benson Lee made the well-received documentary Planet B-Boy, which explored the apparently fascinating world of breakdancing. In 2013, he decided to make a fiction film about the same topic, and precisely nobody was on board. The Step Up series has shown that dance films may have a market, but interest in such a film featuring Chris Brown was apparently quite low. It got just a four percent on the ol’ Tomatometer, and it failed to earn back its $20 million budget. Not even the considerable charm of Josh Holloway was able to win critics or audiences over.

The Big Wedding

Dir: Justin Zackham

Justin Zackham’s The Big Wedding seems like the kind of movie that has the potential to make quite a bit of money, considering the star power and relatively harmless subject matter. In fact, it seems tailor-made to be one of those movies that generates polite laughter from a rather sizable audience, and then disappears never to be seen again. Well, turns out only the second part happened. The Big Wedding turned out to be a sitcom episode starring overqualified actors, and critics and audiences treated it as such. Turns out even harmless romantic comedies starring Katherine Heigl aren’t always a sure thing at the box office.

Broken City

Dir: Allen Hughes

One of 2013’s first major releases was Broken City, a thriller that pitted Mark Wahlberg’s inner city detective against a corrupt mayor played by Russell Crowe. January is commonly known as Hollywood’s dumping ground, but it always seems good for at least one hit, and Broken City in particular had all the necessary pieces to be that hit. Unfortunately, it was not to be. The reviews weren’t particularly nasty, but when audiences were forced to choose between staying inside or going out into the cold to see a standard crime thriller, they selected the former.

The Canyons

Dir: Paul Schrader

Paul Schrader was once the writer of multiple Martin Scorsese films. Now, he has directed The Canyons, which is as odd a cinematic creation as you’re likely going to see. Starring a surprisingly good Lindsay Lohan, who also gets a producing credit, it is the tale of… well, I’m not entirely sure what it’s the tale of. It’s simply a joyless experience that fails even to be the campy good time, though I was fooled into thinking the avalanche of negative buzz—specifically a lengthy New York Times article about the film’s production—would lead to at least moderate financial success. It didn’t. There’s a tiny, tiny chance this film might get a cult following in the near future, but it’s hard to imagine anyone finding joy in this curiosity.

Dead Man Down
Dir: Niels Arden Oplev

When I was looking up potential movies for this post, I came across the title Dead Man Down. Only when I did further research did I realize that A) this movie got a wide release, and B) I actually saw it. I did not find the time to place it on my “Films Viewed” page. There is no record of me seeing this movie, and just nine months later there’s barely any record that it even existed. It’s the English-language debut of original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo director Niels Arden Oplev, and he certainly did not make it count. It got universally negative reviews, and it wasn’t able to earn back its $30 million budget. Actually, I think I recall Colin Farrell tying a man to a chair and dumping a bunch of rats on him. Or something. I don't know. It's basically two hours of nobody smiling or being nice to each other.

Diana

Dir: Oliver Hirschbiegel

Here is a movie that might as well be called Awards Please, and occasionally when that's what drives a production the results aren’t pretty. Directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, this film stars Naomi Watts as the titular princess, and it chronicles the final two years of her life. Any prestige credibility it had was crushed when it received toxic reviews in the United Kingdom, and the ultimate U.S. release it got could best be described as “minimal.” Diana was more an Oscar campaign than a film, and the second those dreams came crashing down everyone lost interest.

The Fifth Estate

Dir: Bill Condon

Casting Benedict Cumberbatch as Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is a fine idea, but unfortunately when it comes to box office success there normally needs to be at least one bankable star in the fold. In the case of The Fifth Estate, Cumberbatch is as big as it got. Bill Condon’s film didn’t get any boost from a wave of mediocre reviews, and thus it came and went without much impact. It boasts one terrific sequence leading up to the release of the Afghan War Logs, but other than that it is the exact kind of ripped-from-the-headlines film that justifiably gets a bad rap. There's nothing fascinating about a bunch of plot points getting thrown together without much thought as to what they actually mean.

Getaway

Dir: Courtney Solomon

There are actually two Ethan Hawkes: the one who stars in films like Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight, and the one who stars in lame thrillers like Getaway. It’s been a while since Hawke was a significant box office draw, and putting him alongside Selena Gomez didn’t exactly help matters. This is one of those flops that most film fans could probably smell a mile away, and upon release those feelings were more than justified. With the exception of one thrilling shot, Getaway was panned by critics and ignored by audiences, and another forgettable Ethan Hawke thriller was left to fade into obscurity. Stay away, Getaway.

Hell Baby

Dir: Thomas Lennon & Robert Ben Garant

Considering the people involved, Hell Baby seems like the perfect candidate to develop a cult following among comedy fans. Unfortunately, that process has gotten off to a rough start. Written and directed by Reno 911! creators Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant, Hell Baby is an uneven but occasionally hilarious film with a magnificent supporting performance by Key and Peele’s Keegan Michael Key. It isn’t consistent enough to stick, but it does suggest that Lennon and Garant may have a future directing their own material. I’m interested to see if this one grows legs in the coming years, but the absolute lack of interest out of the gate this year surprised me.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Dir: Dan Scardino

Some perfectly average comedies made a whole lot of money this year, so it’s a bit of a surprise that The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, a film that seems to be a fine match with what the public apparently wants, was so unsuccessful. Established stars like Steve Carell and Jim Carrey typically have more success in the marketplace, but for whatever reason this particular film was released to little or no fanfare. It’s not that I think it’s a great film deserving of more attention, but I find it odd that Identity Thief filled theaters across America and Burt Wonderstone didn’t.

The Lone Ranger

Dir: Gore Verbinski

Sometimes the narrative leading up to a movie’s release can be so overwhelming that failure ultimately becomes the only option. In 2012, Andrew Stanton’s John Carter was a $250 million epic that arrived in theaters waiting to by sucker punched by critics and audiences. This year was The Lone Ranger’s turn to don the cinematic “Kick Me” sign, and much like its predecessor it was hit with mixed reviews and disappointing box office. The creative and financial failures of both films are exaggerated, since both are perfectly fine blockbusters that made money most releases would kill for, but each is a fine example of how going big can often come back to bite you. For most, the excess of The Lone Ranger was just too much to swallow.

Paranoia

Dir: Robert Luketic

Ah, Liam Hemsworth. You are truly the Taylor Lautner of the Hunger Games films, and of course that means you were bound to get your own Abduction. In this film, Hemsworth plays a young computer genius/inventor (yup) who gets caught in a war between two cell phone moguls (Gary Oldman and a bald Harrison Ford) and must ultimately find a way to come out on top. If it sounds dumb, that’s because it is, and critics and audiences alike were able to smell what Paranoia was cooking. Once released, it didn’t even get back $14 million of its $35 million budget.

R.I.P.D.

Dir: Robert Schwentke

Forget The Lone Ranger. If there was ever a film truly deserving of our contempt, it is the $130 million R.I.P.D., a supernatural blockbuster that so blatantly and frequently rips off past films like Men in Black that it never even attempts to become its own thing. This is a film where every single second feels borrowed from other, better movies, and it never saw a gag it couldn’t repeat a million times. The cast seems even less interested in the proceedings, and it’s quite an accomplishment when a movie even fails to make Jeff Bridges interesting. The marketing campaign was equally lazy, and the result was a subpar performance at the box office. At least The Lone Ranger felt like it was trying.

Romeo & Juliet

Dir: Carlo Carlei

Apparently it is written somewhere in the laws of cinema that two decades cannot go by without a new version of Romeo & Juliet, and this time it was Italian director Carlo Carlei who volunteered to do the honors. However, his version lacked a unique hook to convince audiences to spend money on yet another Shakespeare adaptation, and so they chose to ignore it. If there is a "hook," it’s that Carlei and screenwriter Julian Fellowes chose to change much of Shakespeare’s dialogue, but not at all in an interesting way. At least Baz Luhrmann brought some flash to the proceedings. This version had everything people expected from a lame Shakespeare film, and nothing they didn't.

To The Wonder

Dir: Terrence Malick

Terrence Malick is one of the most critically revered filmmakers of the last several decades, so it’s quite a feat when he makes a film that even his biggest fans choose to ignore. After hitting audiences with masterpieces like The Thin Red Line and The Tree of Life, it perplexed many when he decided to apply his typically poetic style to the story of a man (Ben Affleck) who meets a nice Ukrainian girl (Olga Kurylenko) and moves her to Oklahoma. Usually Malick uses his camera to capture the beauty of nature and what leaves look like when blowing in the wind. In To the Wonder, one prominent scene is set at a Sonic Drive-In. Most are willing to follow Malick wherever he goes, but with this film many fans lost the thread. Every film he released prior to this one was an event, and fans would spend months and years dissecting its greater meaning. With only a few true supporters, To the Wonder failed to generate the usual levels of passion.