Summer Movie Previewfest '010

It is that time of the year, folks! Summer movie season! There will be an Iron Man 2 review up by the end of the weekend. This preview will cover everything beginning next week through August.

May:
Robin Hood
Letters to Juliet
Just Wright
Shrek Forever After
MacGruber
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Sex and the City 2

June:
Killers
Get Him to the Greek
Marmaduke
Splice
The A-Team
The Karate Kid
Toy Story 3
Jonah Hex
Grown Ups
Knight and Day

July:
Twilight: Eclipse
The Last Airbender
Despicable Me
Predators
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Inception
Salt
Dinner for Schmucks
Beastly
Cats & Dogs 2

August:
The Other Guys
Step Up 3-D
Eat Pray Love
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
The Expendables
Takers
Nanny McPhee Returns
The Switch
Lottery Ticket
Pirahna 3-D
Going the Distance
The Last Exorcism

A lot to digest, eh? No now let’s have a chat. I’m going to preview these… high school yearbook style!

Most Likely to Succeed: Inception
The writer/director of The Dark Knight. Some of the greatest acting talent in the business (particularly young), and a premise that is supposedly one of the most complicated things ever put in front of a summer movie audience. Fans of dumbed-down summer movies are about to get their minds blown in what is bound to be not only the best movie of this summer, but possibly contend for Oscars at the end of the year. You can’t miss this.

Best Hair: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Known as an actor who sticks to more dramatic fare, Jake Gyllenhaal says “Screw it” and goes face… or hair… first into Prince of Persia, a last-ditch attempt to make a decent video game film. This one wins “Best Hair” not only for the obvious reasons but also because of the abundance of CGI sure to come. It has potential, but I’m cautious.

Most Athletic: The Expendables
With this action superfilm, writer/director/actor Sylvester Stallone appears to have simply gone to the celebrity weight room and tapped people on the shoulders asking if they’d like to make a movie. The cast includes himself (in the starring role, of course), Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren (apparently taking time off from making his crime-sniffing film), Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger (not being governor). None of these actors are particularly great at, you know, acting. However, they can do some fine hiney-kicking. Early screenings have been good as well, supposedly.

Most Artistic: Toy Story 3
Well, it’s animated. You won’t get many art films during the summer. But here is perhaps the closest thing to a sure bet this summer. Pixar hasn’t made a bad film since… ever. Toy Story 3 looks to continue the streak while returning us to our favorite talking toys. Just don’t expect the emotional depth of Wall-E or Up. You know what? I’m OK with that.

Most Bubbly: Sex and the City 2

Oh my God, girls! We like, HAVE to go see this! Then afterwards we can hit up the town! Do you think Botox will work as well on me as in the movie?
P.S.- “I Am Woman” is on the movie’s soundtrack. Think of that what you will.

Best Laugh: MacGruber
You hear they’re making a movie based on MacGruber, a 90-second SNL sketch based on a guy that gets blown up because he talks too much.
Really?
You hear it’s being directed by Jorma Taccone of the Lonely Island, who appears to be 12 years old and shouldn’t be watching R-rated movies much less making them.

Really?
You hear they cast Val Kilmer of the villain, who hasn’t done anything since 1994.
Really?
Then it’s completed, and all early screenings have not only had positive responses, but insanely positive responses. The tomatometer is currently at 100%, with early reviews calling it “one of the best all-around comedies in recent memory”, all while the trailer is mildly amusing at best.
…REALLY?!

Other notes:
-I was not able to write a “Trailer Trash” article on the Just Wright trailer, but I so wanted to. Watch it now, and enjoy your sleep.
-It appears that Shrek Forever After is just whatever steam the franchise has left, and most of it was gone 20 minutes into the third movie. I might skip this one. A shame, too.
-Are Killers and Knight and Day the same movie?
-I love Judd Apatow, and I mostly enjoyed Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but Get Him to the Greek just seems unnecessary to me.
-Marmaduke? Really? Couldn’t get the rights to Political Cartoons?
-If there was a most unnecessary superlative in high school (get on that) its film counterpart for this summer would be The Karate Kid.
-Adam Sandler and crew need to look up Einstein’s definition of insanity before making another film like Grown Ups.
-I’m guessing The Twilight Saga: Eclipse will be exactly what it looks like. God forbid the filmmakers had any ambition. People will like it, of course. Who am I to ruin their enjoyment?
-I hope The Last Airbender is good. I like M. Night Shyamalan despite every reason not to.
-Disney is releasing The Sorcerer’s Apprentice the same weekend as Inception’s release. Let’s screw over Nic Cage again, what do you say?
-Step Up 3-D is just a mystery to me. In every way imaginable.
-Pirahna 3-D I totally get, though.

Alright, thank you loyal readers! And happy viewing for the next three months!