Skyline (Review)

Bad movies are a dime a dozen. They are easy to identify, and for the most part they merely sit there without demanding special attention. Then there are films like Skyline, which are wonders to behold. Here is a film that goes out of its way to avoid any trace of originality at all costs. There isn’t dialogue so much as there are lines bought from the Used Screenplay Emporium. There aren’t characters so much as beautiful people running, screaming, yelling at each other and occasionally sharing their emotions with one another at the least opportune times possible. Oh, and there’s an alien invasion, courtesy of some of the oddest creatures I’ve ever seen populate the screen of such a movie. It may not be the worst movie of the year, but it’s probably the laziest.

Upon leaving the theater, one of my friends I saw it with asked me if what we just saw was, in fact, a real movie. I can understand the shock. Directed by two filmmakers infuriatingly billed as the Brothers Strause, Skyline is made with such technical ineptitude that it’s amazing these men ever worked in special effects. They worked on Avatar, which has the best special effects of all time. Skyline does not. It’s not the CGI that’s the problem with Skyline, but instead the basic stuff, like, you know, where to put the camera and when to cut from shot to shot. The last film from the Brothers Strause (GAH!) was Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, which I found awful as well. Not quite as oddly worthless as this, however.

Skyline has the appearance that it was shot in an afternoon using a friend’s HD video camera. Our lead is Jerrod, played by Eric Balfour, who I affectionately refer to as the BalfourTron 2000. He has flown out Los Angeles to meet up with old friend Terry (Donald Faison), who has made it big in Hollywood doing something. If that sounds vague, you’ve hit the nail on the head. They get together for a massive party, where BalfourTron’s girlfriend Elaine (Scottie Thompson) reveals she is pregnant. Some drama ensues, but they go to sleep only to wake up at 4am to find a glowing blue light outside their window.

Guess what? It’s aliens. Suddenly the characters must decide what to do about the situation. Do they stay and hide out in the apartment? One character says the aliens are staying away from the water, and that they should go to a boat. We never see evidence of this, but I’m guessing she just saw Signs. At one point they decide, inexplicably to make a break for it. This ends as quickly as it started, including the death of the film’s most interesting character. In the interest of avoiding spoilers I shall not tell you who, though if you know your film clichés I'm guessing you can figure it out.

After running around outside, our heroes go back inside and hole themselves up inside the same exact apartment they started in. The Brothers Strause (ARGH!) must really like that set. Here they do some more window gazing, and we meet a mysterious character played by David Zayas who starts lecturing Jerrod for no apparent reason. Here is a (paraphrased) exchange:

JERROD: I can’t believe this is real.

DAVID ZAYAS: Well, this is real! So you better wake up, man!

After noticing the characters have not ran around screaming in a bit, BalfourTron 2000 decides to take Elaine to the roof to get help. From there the film piles on the absurdities one after another until we reach the ridiculous conclusion, which defies belief. The Brothers Strause (GAH! ARGH!) claim that this film is intended to be the first in a series. Based on the ending, the sequel will be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen. So much so that I feel I’d have to see it.

Other than that, there is not an original bone in Skyline’s body. The aliens employ technology which they obviously did not think of themselves, but from watching other, better alien invasion movies. Also, there are attempts to down the alien spacecraft which were obviously planned by people who HAVEN’T seen any alien movies ever. Aerial dogfight which fails quickly? Check. Ineffective nuking? Check. Skyline’s writing credits go to Joshua Cordes and Liam O’Donnell. They left out many others who did it first.

What’s most annoying about Skyline is that it’s made by people who obviously just didn’t care. This is a film which you would normally find on the Syfy channel, but instead the distributor felt it was worthy of a theatrical release. In a way, Skyline’s marketing campaign is kind of genius. It advertises a large-scale alien invasion epic which spans the globe, and while even that is not too original, it at least gives the illusion that it is worth seeing. Instead, what viewers find is a cheap, worthless, small-scale movie about a few good-looking dimwits hiding in a penthouse with one of the most hilariously strange endings in recent memory.

I have experience working at a movie theater. If somebody asks an employee what they think of a movie, we are supposed to imply that people have liked it, even if we have seen it personally and found it atrocious. Apparently this is not the policy of the theater where I saw Skyline. When I bought my ticket at the box office, the woman working there told me that she heard it “sucks”. After smiling politely, I paid for my ticket. As I walked away she bade farewell with the following: “I hope it doesn’t suck!”

Needless to say, it did. Listen to your box office employees, people.

Rating:  (out of 4)