Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (Review?)

There may come a day when the phenomenon that is Justin Bieber will overtake all mankind and thrust us into a new world order where there are no nations, no race and no religion: There will only be The Bieber. If this future ever came to pass, then the new “documentary” Justin Bieber: Never Say Never will undoubtedly be remembered as the movement’s Mein Kampf. Or, perhaps more fittingly, its Triumph of the Will. This is a spectacularly silly celebration of a pop culture icon which paints his meteoric rise to superstardom as an inspirational, against-all-odds tale which can inspire his legion of high-pitched fans to believe in their dreams, no matter how crazy they may seem. From start to finish, it is one-sided, artificial and manipulative. It would be detestable if its hero wasn’t so busy being as charming as humanly possible.

Here’s what Never Say Never would have you believe: The Biebs was raised in the decrepit shantytown of Stratford, Ontario. He spent his childhood strumming on the old guitar while sitting on the street corner, begging passers-by to lend him a ha’penny so he may last another day in this cruel, mean world. No one was noticing, but he kept at it, and “never” was a word you’d never hear him say. Then one day talent manager Scooter Braun, who has either the best name in the world or the worst, saw The Biebs singing his little heart out on YouTube. He then grabs the young talent and takes him on the road, presumably with only a toothbrush, a t-shirt, and the desire to succeed. It is then that Bieber discovers the true path to fame: the upstate New York radio circuit.

From there it’s only a matter of time before people start flocking to Bieber concerts and whatnot, and it all leads up to the grand climax: his sold-out show at Madison Square Garden. Surely it will be the greatest night of his life… but wait! Just days before the show, The Biebs starts feeling ever so ill; so much so that he has to cancel a concert in Syracuse. The suspense in the third act is palpable. Will dear Justin be able to perform before his fans in New York City? Or will he let them all down because of the whole disease thing? It would not be surprising to me if the news comes out that Never Say Never features an entirely fabricated disease storyline.

This entire “plot” is intercut with concert footage of him singing by himself, or with a great many guest stars. As the film goes on, The Biebs performs with Boyz II Men, Jaden Smith, Usher, Ludacris, Miley Cyrus and Sean Kingston. It’s like The Last Waltz, only with music I don’t like. If you’ve ever wanted to see Kingston and Bieber wrestling each other, this is the movie for you.

Despite the fame that Bieber finds, he remains a very down-to-earth kid, you know? When he returns to Stratford to hang with his friends, his mom still asks him to clean his room! You see, kids of the world? He’s just like you! Only with talent, groupies and a whole lot of money. There are interviews with various celebrities and people he surrounds himself with, and if you were to take any of these quotes out of context there’d be little doubt in your mind that they were talking about the messiah.

The only time when Never Say Never ventures into genuinely “creepy” territory is when the film lingers on The Biebs’ fans, who can be divided into two groups. There are the young girls, who scream too loudly and live under the delusion that they are going to marry this boy. Then there are the older women, who are just strange. I understand that Never Say Never was attempting to document the entire Bieber phenomenon, but I find Bieber himself far more engaging than his followers who worship him like the small, bowl-haired deity he is.

Never Say Never is little more than pandering, Bieberist propaganda. It presents a manufactured story amidst alleged “real life” scenes that are obviously being filmed on their third or fourth take. Bieber’s true success story is impressive, but it isn’t the result of the protracted war presented here. I’d be angrier at Never Say Never if only it wasn’t so good at being manipulative. It does exactly what it intends to do, so it’s hard to fault it. This film will only reinforce the predispositions of Beliebers, and it might even win over some who are sitting on the fence.

Justin Bieber is a charming little dude if there ever was one, and here he sits back and let his people do the PR work in the editing room. It’s kind of entrancing, even when you know the information it’s giving you is absolute crap. If you’re willing to surrender to it, Never Say Never might just convince you to join the ranks of the devotees. Heil Bieber.

Rating: I'm going to skip the star rating on this one. Nothing really applies.

P.S.- During the Miley Cyrus sequence, Bieber seemed to be awfully friendly with her. My advice to him is this: Stay away, Biebs. Darkness that way lies.