Volume 17: Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk!
The Three Stooges
Dir: Bobby Farrelly & Peter Farrelly – Planned release date: April 4
Let me take you on a journey to an alternative universe, where this Farrelly Brothers-helmed reboot of The Three Stooges starred the following actors in the lead roles: Benicio del Toro, Sean Penn and Jim Carrey. For a while, that was going to be the case. Then, in all likelihood, these actors decided to read the script. (Sure, Penn said he was leaving because he wanted to help Haiti. But let’s read between the lines.) Now, the gods of compromise have determined that this new Three Stooges will star the titanic likes of Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, and the venerable Chris Diamantopoulos. (Penn for Hayes? An even Sean trade of I ever heard one!) Most could have determined at this point that the Farrelly Brothers’ film was not headed for greatness. However, few could have predicted the absolute trainwreck that is advertised in this trailer. To add insult to injury, this is coming off of Hall Pass, which wasn’t a good film but at least it seemed like the Farrellys were growing as filmmakers ever so slightly. Now they are making a film that makes Dumb and Dumber look downright academic.
Let’s be honest, though. The Three Stooges are not a comedic property that holds up when seen through the modern lens. When the original Stooges were popular, people were just psyched to see people moving around on a screen with sound coming out of the speakers. Their brand of humor is not all that—how should I put this?—sophisticated. I have never particularly cared one way or another about the Stooges. Admittedly, I was born in 1991, but at no point have I seen the Stooges as one of my comedy heroes. I knew about them, sure, but if I’ve ever been looking to laugh I’ve usually gone to sources that didn’t rely on such a heavy dosage of pokes to the eye. Now the Farrelly Brothers have revived the Stooges so that they may exist in a land where nuns are played by men (hilarious!), and jokes can be made about such modern things as iPhones and Snooki. I shall now let out a heavy, defeated sigh. Join me, won’t you?
Cabin in the Woods
Dir: Drew Goddard – Planned release date: April 13
During the recent stretch of financial difficulties experienced by MGM, two films have seen their release dates pushed back so many times that it was a question whether they’d get a release at all. Coincidentally, they both feature Thor star Chris Hemsworth. These films are the remake of Red Dawn and the horror film Cabin in the Woods. Both were filmed all the way back in 2009—when we were all so young and full of hope—and now they will finally get a release in 2012. This week saw the online debut of the trailer for Cabin in the Woods, and it appears to reveal just enough of the premise without giving away the whole shebang. Some have said the trailer spoils too much, but at no point did I see a single frame of alleged cast members Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford, and never is the film’s whole conceit explicitly explained. It is possible we see the back of Jenkins’ head briefly at 1:40, but I’m just guessing.
The premise of Cabin in the Woods (produced and co-written by cult favorite and Avengers director Joss Whedon) is that it provides a spin on the usual, well, “cabin in the woods” horror movie clichés. A bunch of dumb kids go off for a weekend of fun, only to be picked off one by one. In this case, it seems that their fates are controlled by men in a control room and a creepy video game-like barrier. Yes, perhaps this reveal takes some of the surprise out of it. But if they were to advertise an average horror film without a twist would it attract that large of an audience? I doubt it. The genre of Cabin in the Woods is tired, to be sure, but Whedon and company seem like just the group to try and scare some life back into it.
John Carter
Dir: Andrew Stanton – Planned release date: March 9
As you might have heard, Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises will be released next summer. It is a sequel to one of the most financially successful blockbuster films of all time, it is based on a well-known property, and it features famous, bankable actors. Understandably, it was given a budget of $250 million. This is incredibly expensive, but given everything else involved this is as safe a gamble as Warner Bros. is going to make. But what if I were to tell you there was another $250 million movie getting released next year? You’d think it was The Avengers or something, right? Well, you’re wrong. Walt Disney’s John Carter, a live-action sci-fi epic directed by Pixar veteran Andrew Stanton, cost $250 million to make. It is admittedly based on a previously-existing property, but have you heard of it? I doubt it. (And if you have, your friends haven’t.) The lead actor? Taylor Kitsch of Friday Night Lights. This hardly seems like a recipe for success, but if it hits all the same buttons as, say, Avatar it may be able to pull this off yet.
But, oh, right now John Carter looks like a disaster in the making. This trailer features some cool (and expensive-looking!) visuals, but mostly it looks like leftovers from the Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones scrap pile. I mean, that gladiatorial scene at the beginning? That seems straight out of that movie. Pretty much nothing in John Carter seems all that original. Plus, why are we supposed to care about the John Carter character himself? His great power, apparently, is that he jumps real good. Forgive me if I’m not shaking in my boots. I want to make it clear that I’m not rooting for John Carter to fail—I can never wish such a thing upon the director of Wall-E—but right now this seems like it has the potential to be a monumental flop. I hope I’m wrong, but whoever decided to throw Dark Knight Rises money at this material has some rethinking to do.
The Five-Year Engagement
Dir: Nicholas Stoller – Planned release date: April 27
The Apatovian machine had one of its biggest hits ever this year with Bridesmaids, and next year they look to strike again with The Five-Year Engagement. (Notice how Apatow is no longer credited as “the dude who brought you Superbad!”) This film marks the return of Nicholas Stoller to the director’s chair, and if you’re like me—meaning you’re a big fan of both Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him to the Greek—then that is always something to get excited about. The downside? The story seems a bit standard and Hollywood-y, though the cast is charming enough that I may be able to get past it. One thing I won’t be able to get past is the reveal that Emily Blunt gets a lucrative job at the University of Michigan, which, boo. We have Urban Meyer now, so suck it. Yeah, academics, whatever. BUT URBAN MEYER!
Ahem, anyway… The Five-Year Engagement looks to be as predictable as things come, though things take a turn toward the end of the trailer when Blunt gets shot in the leg with an arrow and Jason Segel suddenly has a beard for some reason. Most disturbingly, this film features Jacki Weaver as a caring mother, which is something I will never be able to comprehend ever since I saw Animal Kingdom. I can only assume that the arrow to Blunt’s leg was the result of Weaver’s murderous plan ever since she suspected that Segel would go to the police and expose her underground crime ring. Or something. She’s creepy, is what I’m saying. Don’t buy her nice act for a second.
A Separation
Dir: Asghar Farhadi – Planned release date: December 30
Among the group of critics I follow on Twitter and casually read, the Iranian film A Separation has become one of the most buzzed-about foreign films in a very long time. Some of the praise has seemed grandiose, but the more I read the more I become intrigued in this film. I’m not sure when it will become available to me—remember, I’m in Ohio—but I figured I’d throw this trailer out there just to introduce you to a movie that’s getting positive marks from just about every angle. I don’t know a whole lot about it, but this trailer promises a tense, disturbing tale about Iranian family life. It will probably be hard to watch. Thus, critics love it. They’re weirdos that way.
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