The Worst Films of 2011

As good as movies generally were in 2011, it—like most years—was not without its stinkers. For many of the movies I am about to list, I probably should have been able to smell the stench a mile away. However, this was a year when morbid curiosity got the best of me time and time again. I still was able to avoid some of the more obvious ones (Bucky Larson remains unseen), but in many cases I read that these movies were getting bad reviews and I decided to go see them anyway. I’m not very smart. Anyway—from identical twins to sentient tires—here is my collection of the worst films of 2011. You may fire when ready.

5.

The Change-Up

For starring in Arrested Development alone, Jason Bateman has more than earned a lifetime pass in my book. However, his choice to star in this mean-spirited gross-out comedy was the closest I’ve ever come to finding his presence grating. The Change-Up is a mostly vile film that begins—that’s right, begins—with a baby projectile-pooping into Bateman’s mouth. It only gets worse from there. I normally quite like R-rated comedies, but the good ones all attempt to show some affection for their characters. The Change-Up doesn’t, and it winds up being little more than an endless string of humiliations and unfunny gags. If you don’t think your characters are worthwhile, then stop wasting our time. The best part of the movie is Ryan Reynolds once he inherits Bateman’s personality, and it only provides further proof that Reynolds needs to get himself in some better movies.

4.

A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy

This “comedy” was filmed all the way back in 2008, and once it hit theaters we all saw the reason for the delay. A Good Old Fashioned Orgy is a mystifying film that wastes the talents of so many people on a film that seems like it wasn’t scripted at all. Most of the scenes have no shape to them whatsoever, and I can’t for the life of me remember a single “joke” in this movie. By that I don’t mean the jokes were bad; there just weren’t any jokes. The worst thing this kind of film can do is attempt to coast on the talent of its cast, which in this case includes Jason Sudeikis, Lake Bell, Nick Kroll, Leslie Bibb, Martin Starr, Lucy Punch and Will Forte among others. That’s exactly what happens here, and “writer”/directors Alex Gregory and Peter Huyck don’t realize that the best improvised comedies still have some form to them.  The material here is as flimsy as toilet paper on a windy day, and there isn’t a cast on this earth that could have saved it.

3.

Rubber

I was drawn to this movie based not only on the viral trailer, but also on some positive reviews I’ve seen around the Internet. The premise is bonkers, but promising enough: a sentient tire goes on a killing spree. The end. But writer/director Quentin Dupieux refuses to turn it into the over-the-top b-movie it was always supposed to be. Instead, he adds an extra subplot about a small audience that is watching the events through binoculars, and then takes that to even more ridiculous places. The problem is that the film is never “fun,” and often it feels like it’s attacking the audience instead of actively trying to entertain them. As much as some seem to be appreciating Rubber, no one will be able to match the affection that Rubber feels for itself. The film might as well have ended with a shot of Dupieux patting himself on the back.

2.

Abduction

Abduction is undoubtedly a case of a film that looked so bad that I eventually convinced myself to check it out because, why not? Well, this is why not. Abduction is as manufactured a film as I have seen in a very long time; a shameless attempt at capitalizing on the success of Twilight by simply taking Taylor Lautner and throwing him into the middle of the most Bourne-esque plot imaginable. It’s possible for purely commercial endeavors to rise to the level of dumb fun, but that is not what happened here. Instead, director John Singleton is thrown into the thankless position of directing a film that features a scene of villain Michael Nyqvist threatening to kill all of Lautner’s Facebook friends. That’s not to say Singleton doesn’t deserve any of the fault. He hadn’t directed a film since 2005, and this was the project that convinced him to step back into the fray.

1.

In Time

On a conceptual level, Andrew Niccol’s In Time is pretty darn brilliant. The premise—a world where “time” becomes the currency, and those without time are doomed to die young—has tremendous promise. The problem? The execution here is dire, and it starts with a miscast Timberlake in the lead. With his roles in movies like The Social Network and Friends with Benefits, Timberlake has shown a real ability to play the charmer. As an action star, he is much less convincing. He’s got the physicality, but when you write a role that demands he not smile once, you’re asking for trouble. Worse yet, he’s stuck in a world devoid of logic or memorable characters. In Time is a truly unique beast. It takes a smart concept and turns it into the absolute dumbest movie of the year.

Inaugural Winner of the Last Airbender Memorial Award for Special Achievement in Terribleness:

I have created this category because every year, there is usually one movie that everyone agrees is the worst. Last year, it was The Last Airbender. This year, it is the Adam Sandler travesty Jack & Jill. For a while, it was at the top of my “worst” list above, but I decided throwing it there would be boring. So, in order to fully accommodate more movies deserving of this list, I have created the Last Airbender Memorial Award for Special Achievement in Terribleness. This will go year after year to films that go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to being the worst the year in cinema had to offer. And now, without further ado, I present the first annual Last Airbender Memorial Award to Jack & Jill. Al Pacino comes to the podium to accept on the film’s behalf, and leaves with a rendition of his cringe-inducing “Dunkaccino” rap. I shed a tear.

And Now, a final word on the saga of Kraus vs. Sucker Punch:

Now, those of you who regularly follow this blog must be wondering the following: “But, M-M-M-Matthew! Whatever became of Sucker Punch? If I recall, you reviled that film so!” Yes I did, reader. Yes I did. Watching the theatrical cut of Sucker Punch last spring was one of the most unpleasant film experiences of my life. However, I slightly, slightly changed my tune when I saw Zack Snyder’s director’s cut, and while I maintain it is more or less a complete failure, watching that cut led me to more fully understand what Snyder was going for. Most obvious among the changes was a final scene with Jon Hamm which completely changes the tone of the ending. I do not like Sucker Punch, but as the year has gone on I have grown to accept that it is not entirely deserving of my hatred. So put that one on the poster!

I leave you with these honorable mentions, in alphabetical order:

Cowboys & Aliens: The blockbuster that wouldn’t smile.

Fright Night: One of the most overrated films of the year. Unscary, unfunny, underachieving.

Green Lantern: At least it delivers on the “green” part of the title.

Just Go with It: Adam Sandler’s other terrible movie that came out this year.

No Strings Attached: Well, at least it didn’t keep Natalie Portman from winning the Oscar.

Season of the Witch: Ron Perlman—changing his accent for no one since 1981.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: Meet the new Bay. Same as the old Bay.

Your Highness: The title is as sharp as the humor gets.

That will do it for all the negativity. My list of 2011’s best will be up in the coming days.