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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

This Means War (2012)


Not every movie has to take place in our universe. In fact, I’d generally prefer that they didn’t. However, if a movie wants to succeed it is vital to create a universe with which the audience can relate; or at least something with an accessible entry point. The new McG film This Means War throws all of this out the window, and instead focuses on creating an ultra-slick, substance-free environment in which everyone is insanely rich, self-absorbed, creepy, and certifiably insane. This Means War is being marketed as an accessible action comedy/romance, but in reality it is an incredibly disturbing film that doubles as an indictment of modern pop culture, society, and how we’ve all pretty much come to accept that the government is probably watching our every move. However, none of that subtext is intentional. The other week, I saw the German film The Lives of Others, which examined the extent to which the Stasi could monitor the private lives of those in East Germany and punish all who spoke ill of the government or Communism. I found This Means War infinitely more troubling.


At the center of the film are two CIA agents brilliantly named FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy). They begin the film with an attack on the generic German supervillian Heinrich (Til Schweiger), who we know is evil because he shoots a few people and is always staring menacingly just off-camera. Other than that, I’m not entirely sure what he does for work. After some butt-kicking in Hong Kong, our heroes find themselves stuck in Los Angeles. FDR (yup, still his name) is a party-boy bachelor who goes to the club at night before returning home to his apartment, the ceiling of which is the bottom of a swimming pool. We know this because the first time he walks in the door, a beautiful woman in a bikini swims by overhead. We never see this pool, nor do we ever see someone else swim by throughout the rest of the movie. If you’re going to go with something so incredibly absurd, at least get a gag out of it later or something. Side note: based on my brief and not-at-all thorough research on the CIA website, it would be unlikely that an agent would afford an apartment with a freaking pool roof. Heck, I think Donald Trump may find that to be on the extravagant side.

But I digress. Tuck is looking to get back into the dating game, so he hits up a website where he finds a profile for product tester Lauren Scott (Reese Witherspoon). The two meet for a date that goes incredibly well, but when Lauren visits the video store down the street she runs into FDR (apparently still his name) who works his womanizing magic and is able to start up a relationship. It isn’t long before Tuck and FDR (gah!) figure out the situation, and they decide—like anyone would—that they should both continue to date Lauren until she chooses which direction to go. To boost their respective chances, they bug her house and place cameras everywhere so they can figure out what they can do to seal the deal. To make things more infuriating, this isn’t a process that just involves them. Nay, they gather up close to the whole office to stick their noses in Lauren’s life. Meanwhile, the still-evil Heinrich is waiting to make his move on Tuck and FDR. It’s understandable that no one can tell he’s coming, as all of the CIA’s resources are focused on getting our two protagonists laid.

Not only is This Means War bad; there were scenes that actually gave me chills because of how wrongheaded and sickening they were. Had it not been for the 10-or-so other people in my theater, I very well may have started pulling seats from the floor and throwing them at the screen in rage. The creepiness isn’t the only thing that makes the film so infuriating, but it’s also the ineptness that accompanies every last filmmaking decision.  Yes, there are hidden cameras all over Lauren’s house, but they always seem to capture her and her friend Trish (Chelsea Handler) in incredibly convenient medium shots. The soundtrack choices are all uninspired, the score is out of a bad exploitation movie, and all the characters don’t work in buildings so much as they work in playgrounds out of a 10-year-old boy’s imagination. The Los Angeles CIA headquarters is basically a more insane version of the base in Men in Black, and Lauren’s product-testing facility has the color scheme of Candy Land on acid. Also, it’s apparently a magical place where products are just sitting around asking to be played with. In one scene, she and a couple other characters pick up some hoses and just start spraying each other. In an office. Like you do.

All this comes from the filmmaker who still thinks it’s a good idea to call himself McG, and his directorial style is pretty much exactly what you’d expect from such a moniker. Every last moment in this movie tries so achingly hard to be “cool,” but it always winds up feeling kind of gross. There’s a long take in this movie that directly rips off the Copacabana shot in Goodfellas, only the fascination and moderate charm is entirely removed. In that film, the shot slowly seduces you and sucks you into the gangster world of Henry Hill. In This Means War, you feel like you’re drowning in an ocean of narcissism.

In fairness, none of the actors seem all that comfortable either. The three leads (Witherspoon, Pine and Hardy) are all engaging on their own, but they are asked to play such repellant characters that there’s never any real hope. Pine has some solid, almost Jason Bateman-esque comic timing, and I could see how with better material he could be an engaging lead. But this… this is no good. Hardy looks like he wants to run for the hills at the earliest opportunity, and Witherspoon’s normally-charming persona doesn’t exactly mesh with the truly terrible person she’s playing here. This Means War feels like a two-hour exercise in fitting square pegs into round holes.

All this griping on all the film’s other flaws seems to undersell the general ickiness of the film’s portrayal of the CIA and intelligence-gathering. The central conceit of This Means War is that Tuck and FDR (I mean, really? That’s the name you went with?) are so intent on winning Witherspoon’s heart that they will violate her privacy and try to sabotage each other’s dates. Perhaps I could buy that if someone ever said anything negative about their antics, or if it was ever brought up that what they were doing might be mildly unethical or wasteful. Nope. Any conflict that arises is quickly swept under the rug once Heinrich shows up again, and by that point you may actually wind up rooting for him. Over the course of the film, the only thing he’s done is seek revenge for the death of a dear colleague. Fair enough. Meanwhile, we’ve been watching our two protagonists waste valuable taxpayer dollars in order to go out with a pretty lady. When you look at it that way, maybe the German supervillain isn’t so bad.

Grade: D-

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