The Expendables 2 (2012)

Empirically speaking, The Expendables 2 is one of the worst movies you’ll see this or any other year. It looks and feels like it was cobbled together from used parts, the plot is either nonexistent or aggressively uninteresting, and a vast majority of it makes absolutely no sense. And yet, much like the original Expendables, it bathes itself so thoroughly in silliness that it becomes a fun, testosterone-fueled ride through Sylvester Stallone’s subconscious. It is in no way worth the price of an evening ticket, but anyone wanting to take a long lunch hour—or browsing their On Demand selections a few months down the line—are sure to get a few kicks out of it.

Like the first film, The Expendables 2 is basically a Stallone/Jason Statham buddy cop movie with Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Terry Crews and others standing in the background. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger both expand on their cameo appearances, and there’s also a role for Liam Hemsworth, because they need something to appeal to the youth demographic. This time the group is after Jean Vilain (a name that’s a bit on the nose, perhaps), a mercenary that’s working to control a whole lot of plutonium. Or something. Basically, all we need to know is that he’s the bad guy and our central group of steroid-dependent senior citizens is on a mission for justice. So long as this justice involves a lot of CGI blood.

If you’re looking for a microcosm of what makes The Expendables 2 so ridiculous, look no further than a mid-film cameo by the 72-year-old Chuck Norris. I won’t reveal the context for his appearance or any details about his character, because that is all part of the fun. Just know that his existence makes zero sense even in movie logic, and that he seems like he has no interest in even standing up once he’s thrust into the midst of combat. The entire concept of the Expendables films is laughable, but the more ridiculous they get then the more fun the viewing experience.

Unfortunately, there are a few too many moments in The Expendables 2 where the characters start to become self-aware. It’s far better off when it’s treating itself as seriously as possible. Once it winks at the camera, it occasionally becomes cringe-worthy. The chief offender is Schwarzenegger’s character, who is essentially a large, Austrian version of Abed from Community. In between moments of awkward gunplay, Schwarzenegger tosses around canned one-liners that reference the careers of everyone around him… and himself.

Once the film enters pure butt-kicking mode—and that’s the vast majority of the film’s running time—it’s exactly the guilty pleasure it was always meant to be. Make no mistake: The Expendables 2 is a straight-to-DVD film that wound up in theaters just because of its cast and the fact that the first one made a ton of money as well. So long as they keep making money, and so long as most of the cast remains alive—they will continue to crank these out every couple years. It’s a horrible film, but I strongly prefer this entertaining kind of horrible to the slick CGI-filled chasefests like Total Recall that we see every other week. The Expendables films are a breath of fresh air, even if the air isn’t all that good for you.

Grade: B-