Volume 32:
Screw You, I’m Daniel Day-Lewis
Lincoln
Dir: Steven Spielberg – Planned release
date: November 16
For the last few
months, the strangest thing about Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln was that we had heard absolutely nothing about it. It was a
movie allegedly coming out this autumn, but the only evidence we had of its
existence was a shot of Daniel Day-Lewis grabbing a
meal and looking totally inconspicuous. Now, suddenly, we can’t be handed
enough information, and now we finally get a full-length trailer of what a
Steven Spielberg-directed Abraham Lincoln biopic looks like. The good news? It
looks exactly like what you’d imagine a Steven Spielberg-directed Abraham
Lincoln biopic might look like. It looks handsome, it has a killer cast, and
John Williams’ sure-to-be-weepy score is on full display.
And yet the
thing most people will immediately begin to examine is Day-Lewis’ performance
as Lincoln, and once it again it seems to be everything you expect. The trailer
even features a glimpse of a very Day-Lewis-esque monologue scene in which he
delivers a rousing, energetic and very pointy lecture to his associates about
having the fate of human dignity in their hands. It’s all very expected, of
course, but I like many will surely eat it up when it hits theaters just before
Thanksgiving. The only thing likely to draw any criticism from some in
Day-Lewis’ voice, but anyone complaining is wrong for two reasons. One: Lincoln
allegedly had a higher and not-particularly-epic voice. Two: Do you have an
audio recording of Lincoln? No? Then I’d stop talking and leave the acting
decisions to the guy who may or may not have lived in a log cabin for sixth
months to prepare.
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
Dir: Tommy Wirkola – Planned release
date: January 11
Since these days
we’re apparently just throwing words together and calling it a movie, here is
the trailer for Hansel and Gretel: Witch
Hunters. It is about Hansel and Gretel, and how they are witch hunters. The
eponymous siblings are here played by an audibly disinterested Jeremy
Renner—who needs to just call it a day and get some sleep already—and Gemma
Arterton. Together they go around shooting things and dodging arrows in slow
motion, as they do in all fairy tales. No word yet on whether or not there’s a
sequence where they must find their way home using bread crumbs, but here’s
hoping.
P.S.- Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters was
produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, among others. So maybe this is a
completely different movie than what’s being advertised? Hey, a boy can dream.
The Company You Keep
Dir: Robert Redford – Planned release
date: October 12
In 1976, Robert
Redford played Bob Woodward in the acclaimed journalism drama All the President’s Men. Since then,
it’s become apparent that no one is a bigger fan of that movie than Redford
himself, and many of his recent cracks at filmmaking have seemed like an
attempt to recapture the spirit of that movie. The Company You Keep seems like an especially blatant President’s Men wannabe, and it stars
Shia LaBeouf as an “aggressive young reporter” (Wikipedia’s words, not mine)
who stumbles across some shocking facts about the Weather Underground. From
there things get even more interesting, and Redford—playing a grown-up Weather
Underground-er—must try and evade the law with his daughter in tow. People will
then spend a couple hours talking very seriously about serious things, and then
at the end we’ll probably all learn a lesson. This is the Redford way.
Texas Chainsaw 3-D
Dir: John Luessenhop – Planned release
date: January 4
Now, I know what
you’re thinking. A 3-D reboot of the Texas
Chainsaw Massacre franchise from the director of Takers probably doesn’t sound all that appealing to you. Well,
after watching this trailer, I can say that you are absolutely right. In a
post-The Cabin in the Woods world,
movies like this just seem especially laughable. It’s impossible not to look at
this trailer—which comes out of the box with a girl in her underwear, in case
you were wondering—and not think that this is just the story of a CitW scenario in which everything goes
according to plan. If anything, movies like this just make Goddard’s work seem
even more brilliant. Well, at least Texas
Chainsaw 3-D has Trey Songz in it! That must be appealing to someone, I
guess.
A Christmas Story 2
Dir: Brian Levant – Planned release date:
Too soon
561 likes.
11,338 dislikes. That’s about all that needs to be said about the trailer for A Christmas Story 2, which has the rare
ability to force a grown man to tears in just 115 seconds. Yes, this is just a
belated, direct-to-DVD sequel. I realize that. But it is also the devil, and
must be destroyed. I give this movie credit for one thing, and that is the way it
recaptures the original’s old-timey aesthetic. Everything else must be thrown
into the prison from The Dark Knight
Rises as soon as humanly possible. The greatest abomination? Daniel Stern
attempting to recreate the magic that was Darren McGavin’s performance in the
original. I would have at least accepted this film’s existence if it tried to
tell a new story with new characters, but no. They had to make this. No one will see it, and no
one will truly accept it as canon. That lessens the blow somewhat, but still.
Just stop it.
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