A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a movie that had as little regard for its craft as A Good Day to Die Hard, the fifth film in the action series that has wound up being quite true to its name. I guess there are things resembling “acts" here, and the best thing I can say about the editing is that it exists. This movie also has sound, that’s for sure. Lots of it. Yet absolutely none of these things are applied with any care, and the result is not only the worst film in the Die Hard series by a country mile, but also an action film that fails at being exciting, entertaining or even a bit of dumb fun. It’s enjoyable in the way that attempting to fall asleep while there’s a loud party going on next door is enjoyable.

Once a man who would have to limp and bleed his way to victory, John McClane (Bruce Willis, in case you didn’t know) has become the kind of action hero who can get thrown around like a rag doll and still stand up and walk away like nothing ever happened. As the film begins, he learns that his son Jack (Jai Courtney) has been arrested in Russia. John heads to Moscow to apparently do something about it, and in the process finds himself in the middle of a violent conflict between his secret agent son and a bunch of evil Russians who want to blow stuff up. Jack is also charged with protecting the escaped prisoner Yuri Komarov (Sebastian Koch), who has a “file.” Really, that's about it. Other Russian players include his daughter Irina (Yuliya Snigir) and the carrot and dance-loving goon Alik (Radivoje Bukvić). There are some other Russian government folks involved, but I don’t have even the slightest recollection of who they are.

Honestly, I’m not even sure writer Skip Woods or director John Moore could explain to me the intricacies of this plot to me. A Good Day to Die Hard is really just one long chase scene that never gives the audience a chance to exhale. That almost sounds like an exciting prospect, except that this chase scene is incomprehensibly edited, directed, and the musical score by Marco Beltrami never. stops. playing. at. full. volume. The movie is never more insufferable than in its opening half, when we’re treated to an endless car chase that is somehow both assaultive and painfully boring. I wish I could explain to you how apathetic my theater felt during this sequence, which honestly might take up almost 45 minutes of the film. Had I known what I was getting into, I would have made sure to time it. Alas, I shall remain in the dark until someone else does it for me. There is so much chaos and noise on the screen, but it has absolutely no impact.

Things just keep on trucking from there, as our characters go from location to location only to be attacked by the Russian bad guys. None of these villains have a fraction of the character that Alan Rickman brought to the table in the original, but I don’t blame the actors as much as the writing and directing. In particular, Bukvić tries his hardest to become an appropriately kooky henchman, but he’s given absolutely nothing to work with. When he walks into the frame in one scene with a huge carrot in one hand and an automatic weapon in the other, it feels less like an inspired or funny bit of character building and more like an witless quirk that serves no purpose except to get an empty chuckle. None could be heard in my screening.

What a profoundly disappointing film this is, considering the many things it has going for it. Willis is coming off of one of his better years in recent memory, Courtney seems more than up to the task as the younger McClane, and Moore makes the correct decision of sticking mostly—but not entirely—with practical stunts and effects. Yet A Good Day to Die Hard itself is a horrendous experience to sit through, and all these promising elements are thrown into a package that feels cobbled together and only slightly familiar with what made McClane such a fascinating hero to begin with. I’m all for the fifth Die Hard film being little more than a stupid action movie, but even a stupid action movie has to be put together by people who know what makes them so fun. There is certainly no substance to be found in A Good Day to Die Hard, but that’s less the problem than the complete lack of coherence or joy.

Grade: D