From Justin to Kelly (Adventures in Atrocity)

In the spring of 2002, thousands of people lined up in the cities of Los Angeles, Seattle, Chicago, New York City, Atlanta, Dallas and Miami to audition for a hot new reality show called American Idol. The premise was simple. 10,000 wannabe singers enter, only one will be crowned the champion. Little did they know that they were auditioning to be on one of the great reality show sensations of all time, and they certainly didn't know every detail of what they were signing up for. Before any of these chanteurs and chanteuses could get on actual television, they had to put their signature on a contract that basically informed them they were now the property of American Idol so long as American Idol had any interest in having them. There were all the usual stipulations in there, including perhaps a requirement to donate an organ to Simon Fuller if he ever needed it, but there was one wrinkle that many may not have noticed. Fuller, the show’s creator, knew that at the end of this competition there would be two performers left standing. As such, he required that these two would be forced to star in a film with each other. American Idol was not meant simply to be a hit television show. This was to be a multimedia behemoth. It had the boob tube and music locked up. Fuller had dreams of next conquering the silver screen.

Conveniently, Fuller happened to have a screenwriter brother named Kim, who just a few years earlier had given the planet the gift of Spice World. Whatever the final American Idol film was going to be, it had all the makings of disaster: the involvement of the brothers Fuller, and two stars who had zero acting experience and were contractually obligated to be there. This was a film that was to be made long before anyone knew a thing about who would be starring in it. All things considered, the filmmakers probably lucked out when the final two turned out to be Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson. They had a potential heterosexual couple, which makes writing everything nice and easy, and now all they needed was a script that showcased the charisma of these two young performers.

Yeah, about that…

When you’re making a movie like From Justin to Kelly, a film that exists solely to capitalize on the popularity of two reality show contestants, you have to strike when the iron is hot. The finale for season one of American Idol aired on September 4, 2002. From Justin to Kelly was to be released on June 20, 2003. That gave everyone involved precisely nine months to write, produce and edit a feature film from scratch. That’s how long it takes Terrence Malick to decide what to have for lunch. As such, Kim Fuller didn’t have time to cook up the dense, Magnolia-type screenplay he no doubt had in mind. Instead, he decided to make it about two twentysomethings hooking up during spring break. The end. To stretch it out, there will be several interminable dance scenes.

If Kim Fuller’s script was an inch over 40 pages long, I’d be surprised. From Justin to Kelly is 80 minutes of stalling, and then it ends. There is no energy, no chemistry between the actors, and only the suggestion of a plot. The film begins with a shot of Clarkson singing in front of empty bar before it is revealed she actually works there as a waitress. She quickly spurns the advances of a yee-haw cowboy type, and continues her duties of cleaning up after her patrons. It would all appear to be a normal night at the office, until two of her friends show up luggage in hand. They were on their way to Florida for spring break, but it turns out their airline went bankrupt and all the other flights were booked. What timing! Somehow these two party girls only know one person with a car, and that is our hero Kelly Clarkson. She initially resists taking them down to Fort Lauderdale, but thanks to the least convincing argument in history she eventually relents. The plot’s wheels have been sent into motion, and our romantic journey into the world of From Justin to Kelly has begun!

We have already met the female half of the equation, so now it is time to meet the men. It turns out that Guarini’s character is a member of the Pennsylvania Posse, a trio of womanizers who make the trek down the Florida each year. Who are the Pennsylvania Posse, you ask?

These freakin' guys. 

These individuals are supposed to be the coolest bros on the face of the planet. Sure, the gentleman in the middle is convincing enough as a typical spring break idiot. But Guarini doesn’t quite fit into the mold of the dude who just one year ago stormed through Fort Lauderdale and left dozens of satisfied women in his wake. This is doubly true of the green-shirted fellow, and I at least give the film credit for not exactly trying to rope him into the madness. He’s characterized as something of a nerd, but he’s still a member of Pennsylvania Posse, which makes him the bee’s knees as far as the beach is concerned. They’ve scheduled a whipped cream bikini contest later, and they can sure bust out a mean impromptu rap. Drop a beat, Justin!

Our protagonists actually first meet quite early in the movie, during a song-and-dance number on the beach that sounds like something from the ‘N Sync reject pile. The same can be said for just about all the songs in From Justin to Kelly: they all sound precisely like they were baked up at the last minute for a hurried production that had but one purpose: get to theaters as soon as humanly possible. It certainly succeeded in that goal, but it also set another less prestigious record: it was released on VHS and DVD just 29 days later. The original plan was to release it quickly—part of Fuller’s grand scheme to get as much money as quickly as possible before moving on to chop down the next pop culture rainforest—but everything was accelerated tenfold when the film bombed. The good news was that this was a cheap production, and boy does it look it. The bad news is it didn’t quite crack $5 million at the box office. Nine months just wasn’t fast enough. Also, even the dumbest moviegoer is able to smell something like this a mile away. Audiences aren’t afraid of paying to see commercial projects, to be sure, but they want to be able to fool themselves into thinking what they’re seeing is art. From Justin to Kelly made no attempt to hide its nonexistent ambitions. It simply wanted people to pay for a ticket and get on with their lives. Thankfully, they just did the second part.

Anyway, back to the business at hand. After a brief jig on the beach, Justin and Kelly both decide that they are madly in love with each other, despite the fact they have the chemistry of mayonnaise and a wire hanger. After another unnecessary and unmemorable musical number—because we went a whole three minutes without one—Justin and Kelly meet up in a women’s bathroom and flirt for a few seconds before the former has to jump out a window. Once you’re able to get past the more disgusting elements of the scene, like the fact that Kelly probably just finished using the toilet, it becomes plainly clear that these are two people who could never be attracted to each other in this or any other reality. Since they’ve never acted before, they can’t exactly turn on a switch and fake it. The result is a romantic black hole that not only sucks life from the film, but I’m pretty sure it caused Bogart and Bergman to briefly roll over in their graves.

Justin and Kelly attempt to communicate via text message, but these efforts are sabotaged by Kelly’s evil friend Alexa. Alexa is truly the Joker of romantic comedy antagonists; she simply wants to watch the world burn. We don’t know anything about her except she likes to sleep with a ton of dudes and she likes to destroy Kelly’s romantic life for precisely no good reason. These are two women who are set up to be terrific friends in the early going. By mid-film, she is nothing but horrible person. The good news is this plotline gives us wonderful texting moments like the ones pictured below. Apparently the key to texting in the early 2000s was to simply remove as many vowels as possible. If Wheel of Fortune taught us anything, it was that those cost more money.

This cinematic Bataan Death March trudges on through a subplot about Kelly’s friend Kaya falling in love with a busboy named Carlos, but that story—along with the tale of our nerdy pal Eddie—is so boring it’s barely worth bringing up. Really, the only real moment of import in the rest of this monstrosity is… THE HOVERCRAFT BATTLE. Yes, you heard me correctly.

Now, do you recall me mentioning earlier that in the film’s first scene, Kelly turns down a cowboy-looking gentleman at the bar back home? Of course you don’t, and neither did I as a viewer of the movie, until all of a sudden this man returns to try and steal Kelly away from Justin. It turns out Luke (that’s his name) has come down to Lauderdale because the aforementioned sociopath Alexa has brought him there. Justin and Luke decide there is only one way to settle who gets Kelly, and that is… to just ask her, because she has made it abundantly clear she does not care for Luke and would rather be with Justin, right? Wrong. The only way to resolve this is…

HOVERCRAFT BATTLE!!!

Not to spoil anything, but Justin wins THE HOVERCRAFT BATTLE, but that doesn’t mean he gets Kelly right away. No sir. First the two of them must fight for incredibly contrived reasons, and then Kelly has to sing a really emotional musical number by her lonesome. Now, if you’ll allow me to be positive for one second: it’s a testament to Clarkson’s vocal abilities that she is able to keep this song from being terrible. It’s entirely unearned as an emotional beat, but she makes it, ahem, sing as much as it possibly could. It’s also a testament to her abilities that she was able to have a long and prosperous career after this movie. She’s a talented performer, she is. Just don’t ask her to act like this again.

One more positive thing about this movie: it spared us from ever having to endure another Fuller-produced American Idol project. That also means that the door is open for someone like me to pick up right where Simon and Kim left off. I have taken it upon myself to come up with plot synopses for every American Idol film that was not made post-From Justin to Kelly. If one of you can help provide funding, I think we can make this happen. I want the first film in production by autumn. They are as follows:

• From Clay to Ruben: Ruben is a high school theater director who feels threatened when a hot new choreographer (Clay Aiken) is hired to jazz up the upcoming production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. The cast is split into two factions until they ultimately reconcile during a rendition of “Any Dream Will Do.”
• From Diana to Fantasia: At first, it appears to be about two best friends taking a Mexican vacation. However, in a mid-film twist, we learn that they have actually been sent to bring down a major cartel. The climactic musical number is a cover of “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” but it is performed during a bloody gunfight. Needless to say, our two heroines are victorious.
• From Bo to Carrie: the same plot as From Justin to Kelly, except that as soon as Carrie sees Bo she stops, says “screw that,” and then the movie ends. It won’t be very long.
• From Katharine to Taylor: Hicks is a single dad who has given up on love, but his daughters have set him up on a date with their English teacher, played by McPhee. They meet for dinner and there is an immediate spark. Suddenly, the zombie apocalypse begins and our heroes must fight their way back to Hicks’ house to save his children.
• From Blake to Jordin: A buddy cop movie about two suburban police officers that start a feud with a group of bullies at the local high school. They team up with a nerdy kid who has invented time travel, and they are able to send the bullies back to the Jurassic period.
• From David to David: A shot-for-shot remake of David Fincher’s Se7en, except with Cook in the Brad Pitt role and Archuleta in the Kevin Spacey role. Morgan Freeman will return to play Detective Somerset.
• From Adam to Kris: A Civil War drama about a Union soldier (Lambert) and a Confederate (Allen) who finally meet in the Battle of Gettysburg. The twist: it is a rock opera scored entirely by Chicago songs. The climax? "Saturday in the Park."
• From Crystal to Lee: Like My Dinner with Andre, except set at an insane asylum.
• From Lauren to Scotty: Two Scrubs superfans seek revenge on Zach Braff after he accepts studio funding despite his Kickstarter appeal.
• From Jessica to Phillip: Jessica Sanchez drives into oncoming traffic after hearing Phillips’ “Home” on the radio for the millionth time. She survives, and Phillips visits her in the hospital after the accident. On the ride back home, he hears “Home” on the radio. With a single tear running down his cheek, he too drives into oncoming traffic. The two of them wind up in the same hospital room, and they share a knowing glance just before the credits roll.
• From Kree to Candice: A series of “man on the street” interviews in which Kree Harrison and Candice Glover tell people they were just on American Idol. Nobody recognizes or believes them. It ends with a duet of "Everybody Hurts."

The dream of the Fullers is not dead, folks. Simon is the man behind some of the biggest musical and television sensations of the last couple decades. He’s a producer who knows what the public will buy and he will stop at nothing to make sure he creates it. Really, From Justin to Kelly is perhaps the only misstep to be found in American Idol’s impressive run. Sure, this past season saw it fall off a cliff, but I think that’s less the result of the show than it is the passage of time. Fuller was and is a master of the ephemeral, but this doesn’t make him less of a genius. That’s normally where the quick money is. If you want quality, you’ll need to look elsewhere.