The Rejects of 2012

Anyone can make a list of the best and worst movies of the year. Heck, I do it. But what often goes unappreciated during list-making season (which I realize I’ve missed by like a month) are all the movies in between. In particular, the films that fail at the box office are usually doomed to lifetime of obscurity. This was a year where quite a few films were notable for their lack of financial and critical success, and as such I have decided to piece together my third annual list of the year’s rejects, because every movie deserves a fair shake. I haven’t necessarily seen all these—which means I have only contributed to their rejection—but I will do my best to look back at what went wrong and whether or not these poor devils deserve a second chance. I have also decided to hand out a special award at the end of the post, so stay tuned for that.

And now, let us begin our short journey into the films that made audiences say “thanks, but no thanks.”

Cloud Atlas (Dir: Tom Tykwer, Lana & Andy Wachowski)

Depending on who you ask, the impossibly ambitious epic Cloud Atlas is either one of the greatest and most profound cinematic achievements of the year or just a bunch of disorganized malarkey that thinks it’s saying much more than it actually is. Part of the problem is the decision by the filmmakers to completely rid themselves of the structure of the book they’re adapting, and instead simply layer the six stories on top of each other into an Inception-like dog pile. Sometimes this constant jumping back and forth through time is able to create some powerful moments. Other times it just feels sloppy. There’s also the excessive makeup that only adds to the distraction of an all-star cast, and constant whiplash to the differing tones across the six different stories that stretch as far back as the 19th century and as far ahead as a post-apocalyptic civilization on the islands of Hawaii. Needless to say, this is a crowded work.

And yet, the failure of Cloud Atlas to generate enough of an audience is one of the more heartbreaking movie stories of the year. While I didn’t necessarily love the way the movie turned out, it is the kind of movie that—if successful—could lead to more truly strange and overambitious epics to get made in the future. Since it failed, what motivation does “the system” have to make more movies like this? It’s a folly, but it’s a folly that deserved much more success than it got. It’ failure is not surprising, but it is disheartening.

Does it deserve a second chance?

Yes, if only because a resurgence could prove to Hollywood that movies like this aren’t inherently a bad idea.

Cosmopolis (Dir: David Cronenberg)

You would think any movie starring Robert Pattinson these days would get some kind of Twilight bump, but David Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis was met with nothing but extremely mixed reviews and just about nothing at the box office. This isn’t entirely a surprise; Cosmopolis is a film with almost zero humanity in which Pattinson’s super rich twentysomething rides around New York in a limo as the world just about collapses all around him. Not that he reacts to any of this, since he is most concerned with getting a haircut across town. Cosmopolis is less a coherent whole than a rambling, chilly meditation about a “one percenter” that seems obsessed with self-destruction. It features a great Robert Pattinson performance—that is undeniable—but everything else seems calculated to push audiences as far away as possible. This occasionally works to the film’s benefit, but also its detriment.

Does it deserve a second chance?

I could see this film gaining cult status at some point, but I’d much rather see Pattinson and Cronenberg team up for another project in the near future. That film may be more deserving of critical praise.

Dredd (Dir: Pete Travis)

Like many of the movies on this list, Dredd was a wildly divisive film that had some screaming “masterpiece” and others screaming “ultraviolent piece of crap.” I actually did not see it, so I have nothing to really contribute to the conversation. Part of the reason I never got around to it was that it was out of theaters in record time, and no one ever really got the chance to see this 3-D reboot of the famous character. I imagine no one saw the movie because there’s nary a popular name in the cast, and the Judge Dredd name was significantly tarnished by the Sylvester Stallone movie from many years back. Audiences typically won’t pay money for something they don’t know a darn thing about, and Dredd certainly fits that bill.

Does it deserve a second chance?

I’ll let you know when I see it, but I can’t see it going anywhere beyond mild cult status.

Killing Them Softly (Dir: Andrew Dominik)

Andrew Dominik’s mob thriller Killing Them Softly made some headlines for a) being the least successful Brad Pitt movie since the Super 8 footage of his birth, and b) getting the rare ‘F’ from the folks at CinemaScore. Neither of these things shock me, since Dominik’s film is the kind of film that seems tailor-made to confuse audiences as to what they just saw. Part of the problem is that the text is flimsy while the subtext is amped up to the point of absurdity. Dominik is unquestionably a skilled filmmaker, and that is on full display for much of the early going. After that, everything starts drifting down the tubes. It all comes to a head in a ridiculous (and ridiculously abrupt) final scene with all the subtlety of a locomotive blaring Skrillex music. It has its virtues, but Killing Them Softly is the rare film that expects too much of the audience while also not thinking very much of them at all.

Does it deserve a second chance?

Nah. This film’s failure might actually encourage Dominik to reexamine his writing and come out the other end with a masterpiece. Just maybe.

Rise of the Guardians (Dir: Peter Ramsey)

Throw this one in the “unseen” pile along with Dredd. While it’s doing just fine overseas, Rise of the Guardians is the rare Dreamworks animated movie to be met with absolute ambivalence by American audiences. I’m not entirely sure why that’s the case. It seems to have all the ingredients—popular holiday icons, an all-star voice vast, etc.—but for some reason kids across the United States just refused to force their parents into seeing this movie. Perhaps they don’t like the idea of all their childhood heroes (Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny) being members of an Avengers-like group that fights mythical crime across the world. This lack of success honestly surprises me, and I may actually check this one out one day to see just what went wrong.

Does it deserve a second chance?

Again, I dunno. But a lot of the positive reviews seem to think so.

The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (Dir: Matthew Diamond)

Speaking of children’s entertainment that confused everybody, The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure remains one of the most amusingly strange fiascos of the year. Almost singlehandedly willed into existence by Kenn Viselman—billed in the trailer as a “marketing visionary,” so you know right away you’re not dealing with art—The Oogieloves was meant to start a new kind of family entertainment: one that permitted (nay, encouraged) children in the audience to get up and sing/dance along. Unfortunately, no one knew what in the world an Oogielove was, and the film looked so unbelievably harmless that even little kids thought they were above this pandering crap. Also, it turns out children just aren’t that into cameos by such hip and happening celebrities as Toni Braxton, Cary Elwes and Chazz Palminteri. (“Look, kids! It’s Sonny from A Bronx Tale!”) I, like every child in America, did not find time to see this movie. I am tempted to watch it on my computer should the opportunity ever arise, but I certainly wouldn’t admit it to any of you people.

Does it deserve a second chance?

This one has the potential to live for quite some time among the less-than-sober members of our society, as well as those who enjoy watching movies ironically. Will it ever be seen as a genius piece of family filmmaking? No sir.

People Like Us (Dir: Alex Kurtzman)

Apparently all the rejects I haven’t seen reside in the middle of the alphabet. Go figure. Anyway, People Like Us is strange for many reasons. It was co-written by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, and directed by Kurtzman. If you do not know, these are the gentlemen behind the TV series Fringe, and they have helped write such sci-fi fare as the first two Transformers movies, J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek films and Cowboys & Aliens. Logically, their first film project would be some sci-fi blockbuster, right? Nope. Turns out it’s a family drama about Chris Pine discovering he has a half-sister (Elizabeth Banks) he never heard of. Yup, real high-concept stuff. It was met with appropriately “meh” reviews, and it barely made an impact at the box office.

Does it deserve a second chance?

I’m not going to judge this one without seeing it. However, there’s a reason nobody was interested: it looks unbelievably plain. Making a family drama is okay—potentially great, even—but you’ve got to give the audience some kind of hook to bring them in. People Like Us did not accomplish that.

Red Tails (Dir: Anthony Hemingway)

George Lucas has been talking for years about how he’s just going to up and start making art films again. Well, we’re still waiting for that to happen. In the meantime, he helped create Red Tails, which is his first non-Star Wars/Indiana Jones project since the John Adams administration. (That may be hyperbole.) The final product—a war film about the Tuskegee Airmen—did little to excite audiences or critics, who dismissed it as a conventional story with only a few moments that separated it from the pack. Perhaps Lucas will come through on his promise to explore his more creative side again one day, but if Red Tails is the best he can do we may still be a long ways off from a new THX 1138.

Does it deserve a second chance?

Have you heard anyone talking about this movie recently? No? I think that answers my question.

Rock of Ages (Dir: Adam Shankman)

Tom Cruise has typically been a box office slam-dunk in his career, but a couple projects in 2012 seemed to test that theory quite a bit. The biggest example was Rock of Ages, which seemed to prove that typical movie-going audiences aren’t that big on empty, glitzy ’80s nostalgia. Sure, Cruise steals the movie as sleazy rock star Stacee Jaxx, but everything else feels like bad karaoke thrown on top of the oldest musical story in the book. The success of Les Misérables in December proved that audiences aren’t done with musicals; they just don’t want anything to do with movies like Rock of Ages.

Does it deserve a second chance?

A small, insignificant cult may develop around this movie in the short term. But long-term, it will probably be the answer to a trivia question at best. That’s pretty much where it belongs.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (Dir: Lorene Scafaria)

Audiences didn’t seem to care too much for middle-of-the-road fare this year, and nothing proves that point better than the thud with which Seeking a Friend for the End of the World hit theaters. It has its good parts, and stars Steve Carell and Keira Knightley are good, but absolutely nothing about this film is all that memorable. I remember some of the broader strokes, sure, but this is the kind of film that has multiple chances to leap off the conventional path and never quite does. It’s disappointing, but I’m not sure it would have mattered either way. People just weren’t up for a romp through the apocalypse with Elizabeth Swann and Michael Scott.

Does it deserve a second chance?

It’s not nearly good enough to deserve another shot, but there were far worse movies this year that did better.

The Watch (Dir: Akiva Schaffer)

The Watch is one of those comedies where all the pieces seem to be in place, and then absolutely, positively nothing works in the final product. Apparently paid for by Costco, since almost all of the movie’s important moments take place there, The Watch tries to go for sci-fi/action/comedy and ends up whiffing on all three counts. As you might expect, many sequences rely on the riffing skills of the main characters played by Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Richard Ayoade and Jonah Hill. Not even they can save a ship this flimsily-built, and audiences could apparently smell the stink on it before it even reached theaters. It also doesn’t help that the title had to be changed a couple months before release; it was originally called Neighborhood Watch, but then the Trayvon Martin tragedy occurred in Florida and the studio changed the entire marketing campaign. This may have had a hand in dooming things before the movie even hit theaters. Or maybe it just stunk.

Does it deserve a second chance?

Noooooooooooo.

Wanderlust (Dir: David Wain)

David Wain’s movies are so effortlessly funny that it’s easy to take films like Role Models for granted. Unfortunately, creating a funny environment does not necessarily mean you’ll come out the other end with a great movie that will appeal to the masses. Wanderlust has its champions, but for many (including audiences) it was just a bit too aimless and broad to work on any level beyond the surface. There are some truly hilarious moments—Paul Rudd’s mirror rant comes to mind—but Wanderlust lacks the bite that made past Wain projects stick. He doesn’t exactly have a history of making commercially successful movies, but this film may be the first time he’s also failed to generate a significant army of supporters.

Does it deserve a second chance?

David Wain certainly does. This particular film? Nah, it doesn’t need it.

The Inaugural Taylor Kitsch Award for Special Achievement in Rejection:

Taylor Kitsch: John Carter, Battleship, Savages

And now, I leave you with this: the Inaugural Taylor Kitsch Award for Special Achievement in Rejection. This award will henceforth go to a specific movie or person who spent almost the entire year being rejected by audiences, even if the rejection isn’t entirely just. This year the award goes to Taylor Kitsch, who entered 2012 ready to fully explode onto the scene. Instead, he starred in three movies that failed to make any noise: John Carter, Battleship and Savages. At the least the last once was enough of a success to justify its existence. John Carter and Battleship are most notable for being films that lost their studios quite a bit of money. This is somewhat unfortunate in the case of John Carter, which is perfectly okay and better than a lot of people say it is. Battleship is junk, but I was one of the only people on Earth to really like Savages. (Even though in hindsight I liked it more in theory than in practice.) The great tragedy of all this? Kitsch was good in all three movies! And anyone who has seen Friday Night Lights knows that he has the potential to be much more than a pretty face if given the chance. I’m optimistic that he will get that chance. You may have won this dubious award, Taylor. But you’re not out of it yet. And hey, worst case scenario? You have a CinemaSlants award named after you, and it will continue to be named after you for years to come. Not everybody can say that.

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That’s all folks! Stay tuned in the next couple days or so for my Best of 2012 list! Then we can finally put all this garbage behind us.