Well, it’s about
time I get around to my 2012 in review posts, wouldn’t you say? I’ve done my
lists later than most in the past, simply because I feel it’s important to
actually see all the movies that people are talking about. (Or at least as many
of them as possible.) This year, Zero
Dark Thirty was the big holdup, and now that I’ve seen that I feel quite
comfortable in putting a bow on last year. I will have three posts hitting the
web in the next few days, starting with this one. Look for my annual “Rejects
of the Year” post next, and finally my list of the best films of last year
shortly thereafter. After that, we can finally move on to lucky 2013.
I figured I’d
start with the easiest—and most negative—of these three lists: the five worst
films of the year. Sure, it’s low-hanging fruit, but sometimes that’s the
tastiest kind. I’m not exactly breaking any new ground here, and this was a
year where I never really had the time to see too many bad movies, but I couldn’t avoid all of the
stinkers. The good news is that I never gave any movie an ‘F” this year, so
that means the second annual Last Airbender Memorial Award for
Special Achievement in Terribleness will go without a winner this year. No
one quite earned it. Still, I saw my fair share of terrible movies this year,
and I shall take you on a journey through them all below. Enjoy.
5.
Alex Cross
Memorable only
for Matthew Fox’s… unique performance as Heath Ledger as The Joker, Alex Cross was Hollywood’s noble attempt
at turning Tyler Perry into an action hero. And, uh, let’s just say it was a
swing in a miss. Alex Cross is a
slicked-out serial killer movie that follows all of the clichés to a tee and
features one of the most absurdly competent villains in the history of cinema. The
only thing he can’t do, apparently, is take on Tyler Perry in hand-to-hand
combat. (At least I think that’s how it ends. I can’t really remember.) If you
haven’t seen it, just imagine David Fincher’s Se7en, only with a PG-13 rating and about 50 extra layers of
cartoonishness. None of this is particularly Tyler Perry’s fault. It has more
to do with the horrific plotting and characters around him.
(No full review)
4.
Taken 2
We can debate
the merits of the original Taken
until the proverbial cows come home, but no one would argue that it isn’t
incredibly satisfying to watch Liam Neeson alternately beat the crap out of
foreigners and calmly explain things to people over the phone. The sequel,
which not even hardcore Taken fans
asked for, makes the horrible mistake of actually expanding on the original’s mythology. It also does this in
the most horribly written and directed way imaginable. The most unforgivable
aspect of Taken 2 is its
incomprehensible editing, but it may have only turned out this bad because
director Olivier Megaton isn’t really sure how to shoot objects in motion.
Throw on top of that some sitcom-level family drama and the outright theft of
two pieces of music from the Drive
soundtrack, and you have a film that feels like it was pushed out to the masses
before it even had a first draft.
3.
Trouble With the Curve
This may be my
only controversial choice, because for some reason people seemed to like this
movie. There’s no denying that Clint Eastwood is still fun to watch onscreen,
even if his whole Gran Torino-esque
“old man” shtick isn’t particularly revolutionary. Trouble with the Curve is merely mediocre for most of its running
time, but what pushes it onto this list is one of the most absurd Hollywood
feel-good endings you will ever see. Instead of the filmmakers attempting to
resolve their story in something resembling the real world, they give us the
most cobbled-together and over-the-top ending I can remember. Literally none of
it makes any sense, and it feels like a parody of happy endings more than an
earned happy ending. Trouble with the
Curve is also Hollywood’s latest crack at completely wasting Justin
Timberlake, as he’s thrown into the most painfully obvious romantic
relationship this side of, well, anything. This may wind up being Clint
Eastwood’s last acting role, but I certainly hope not. He’s too gifted to go
out like this.
2.
That’s My Boy
I am not
breaking any news by saying that Adam Sandler isn’t exactly respected among the
critical community. He’s Adam Sandler, after all. But most of my complaints
before this year had to do with how utterly safe and lifeless his comedies
were. They were just barrages of the obvious, unfunny jokes sprinkled with
occasional celebrity cameos that are supposed to be inherently funny. And oh, the product placement. I
wasn’t exactly excited to see That’s My
Boy, but I thought letting him off the leash and into R-rated territory
might actually be a good thing. Turns out it’s the opposite. That’s My Boy has all of the problems
seem in past Sandler atrocities, but on top of that it’s also utterly
repulsive. If you’ve ever wanted to see a movie where incest is a punchline and
a crucial plot point, it’s available on DVD. Also, I can’t think of another
recent movie that hates women as much as this one does. Sure, Project X, but that at least had one
semi-likable woman that wasn’t naked the whole time. That’s My Boy is just a wasteland of misogyny and the kind of humor
you’d hear around a middle school lunch table. This is actually quite fitting,
as one of the first plot points is that a middle school boy starts having sex
with his teacher. When the affair is exposed, what happens? The child becomes a
nationwide hero. For a while, I actually thought That’s My Boy could be Sandler’s opening to get out of the
dumpster. Instead, he seems perfectly content to stay put.
1.
This Means War
One way to
immediately get me scared of your movie is to name your protagonists Tuck and
FDR. That’s usually a pretty big red flag. Then, when it turns out your movie
is about a couple of secret agents who use all of their spying equipment to try
and sleep with Reese Witherspoon, that will only make things worse. Finally, if
you set your movie in a world where video stores still exist, you’ve just lost
all credibility. This Means War, un
film du McG, is about three characters so repellant that the ineptly written
German supervillain (Til Schweiger) doesn’t seem like so bad a dude by
comparison. Witherspoon is dating both these men at the same time in order to
decide which one to start a real relationship with, and both these men are
spending millions of dollars trying to best their competition. All of this is
put together in typical super-slick, McG fashion. It’s painful.
A few honorable mentions, in alphabetical
order:
The
Amazing Spider-Man:
The same origin story, none of the personality.
Battleship: All of Hollywood’s worst tendencies
thrown into a single explosiony package.
Man on a
Ledge: A
profoundly stupid thriller in which every character makes the worst decision
possible.
Project X: Or, Why
the Older Generations Hate Us
The Watch: Or, Costco
Presents a Half-Baked Sci-Fi Comedy That Wastes the Talents of Everybody
Involved
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